One of my dreams is that one day I will wake up and long to go to the gym and feel guilty when I don’t go. Right now, it’s just too easy to pass on by and go straight to McDonald’s. Well, maybe not McDonald’s. Tropical Smoothie maybe? Just to paint me in a somewhat better light, let’s say Tropical Smoothie is my go-to. Anyway, moral of the story is I hate working out.
The past two years of my life have been amazing. I’ve been spoiled by my handsome boyfriend who always seems to love me no matter what I look like. It’s really surreal. I never thought that anyone would ever love me the way that he does. However, this isn’t a super happy story. I’ve struggled with self-image (as I’m sure everyone has) since I was young. I was bullied in middle school blah blah blah and I’ve always felt as though I could be skinnier.
I really wish I could go back and appreciate when I was fat two years ago. Granted, I still think I look okay, but I am the heaviest that I’ve ever been. Happiness truly does add on the pounds. As someone who loves food way too much and hates going to the gym, this has become an almost crisis situation. Although, I plan on joining the new gym that just opened up about three minutes away where I can bring a guest anytime I want. Strength in numbers, right?
What I really need is someone who will kidnap me and drop me off at the gym and not pick me up until I’ve burned 200 calories. Even when I get inside the gym I only run uphill for about 15 minutes and then leave. I know that’s not a total body workout and if I have plenty of time, why don’t I just stay and continue to work out?
There’s this tiny voice in my head that tells me that I’ve done enough. That people are staring at me and I should just go home before I embarrass myself anymore. The voice tell me that I don’t really belong in a gym and I should just do the best I can where I won’t bother people with my working out. Don’t get me wrong, I know this voice is stupid. If someone walked up to me and said it to my face I would be throwing hands. So, why is it okay for me to deny myself the opportunity to work out?
The only thing I can figure is that deep down I really don’t want to be at the gym. Somehow, this makes it okay to call myself “too fat” for the gym. The idea of the gym has been so stereotyped. Everyone thinks that you have to already look good to go to the gym when that just simply isn’t true. The gym is for people who want to better themselves and it’s going to get gross and sweaty. Also, when did sweat become so gross? I remember being a kid and not giving one flying iota about the fact that I was dripping in sweat after running around my grandparents’ property. Did you know that you can get your sweat glands surgically plugged so you never sweat again?? That just sounds scary.
The bottom line is that even though I know the gym will help my self-image overall, I don’t want to somehow damage it by looking disgusting at the gym. It all boils down to caring too much about what people think and how they’re going to view you. It happens to me every day. I’m afraid that strangers in the supermarket will find me unattractive. Why though?? It sounds so absurd to type all of this out and read it. I’m really trying to focus on myself and what’s important to me. 2017 is the year I stop caring about strangers and their opinions of me. Hopefully, with a little more work, I’ll be in the best shape of my life soon. Of course, I’m still trying to quit the stupid gym I belong to right now. Once that’s all sorted out, it’s all Planet Fitness from here on out.